today’s ride 🚋

i've been thinking about cringe lately, mainly because i used to be ruled by it, and now i laugh whenever people on twitter try to big dog me.

if you’d believe it, i had performance anxiety before i even had a personality. seriously. what should also come as unshocking is that my anxiety started when i was pretty young too. something, something comorbidity and correlation and what have you, but what i’m trying to get at is that being perceived terrified me, and also being in my own head was an absolute nightmare.

so if the options were hell and hell, i picked the hell of dealing with being perceived since i had a bit more control of that than my own mangled mind. it started with dance actually (please excuse me while i try to srcub everything i can off of youtube). i think that was honestly a great ‘dance’ with danger and anxiety because looking back at it, i kind of sucked. and part of me knew i sucked, but part of me thought i was pretty good! and so i did it in public and on stage A LOT. and wow, even now part of me cringes thinking about that. but i took the leap.

and it’s why i took the dabble into performing poetry (also much in part from the encouragement of my now-late sophomore speech teacher, mrs. el. i hope wherever your spirit is, it hears my gratitude). now i front tenmonthsummer, having played shows all over this country, and some nights i still feel the same old flinch right before i'm supposed to open my mouth.

it doesn't go away. i’m sometimes still seven very aware that people are judging me and what if i mess up and what if people don’t think i’m cool for what i’m doing or what if i hit wrong note??? a lot of us stop there mentally, before even getting to the stage or the thing they’re trying to do.

shame is a normal feeling. part of it is built evolutionarily to keep us from straying too far from the norms and forays of our ancestral villages, ensuring we’d never be left solo from the pack. we’re no longer doomed to a life of being hunted by some ancient animal if we’re alone. now, the fear of embarrassment isn't protecting you from anything at all. you’re just being charged a mental tax to stay small.

and it’s not just you. other people like to remind you that you can be made fun of. i know. i have been — by strangers, by friends, by family i love who still don't totally get what i'm doing up there. that's not a special hardship. that's just what happens when you do anything you actually give a shit about and share it with others.

there are an infinite number of critics out there. (and trust me, they are out there and they are loud). anyone can have an opinion about you for free, from a safe distance, without having risked anything themselves. the cost to laugh at somebody trying is the time it takes to jump on the internet and type something snarky.

making, creating, sharing something of yourselves, whether it’s vulnerable, profound, or just something plain, that takes GUTS. i’m not shameless 100%, but i’m pretty close. wet rock theory helps a lot with that for sure, but life is so short; why would i not want to spend as much of it being my authentic self as possible? once you let go of what someone else might think about you, they can’t really touch you.

oh? you thought something i said or did was cringe? i’m sorry bro, enjoy never savoring the taste of a fresh day on your tongue. i’m going to go bask in the flourishing, fleeting existence we are offered!

from our last haiku, one of you said “you handled the pushback you got with incredible grace […] language like differing beliefs and concerns seem to be age-old copouts for facing hard facts. I've had to do my share of growth in that area.”

thank you for both saying this and also admitting that you had to grow, too! i want you to know that i’m with you. most people with open minds are because we are not born with our biases. they are learned and ingrained by our societies and systems.

i’ll be honest, i was an angry, stubborn asshole growing up. partially because of my severe untreated mental illnesses, but also just because i’m a cis-man and life is catered to me in many ways. it gave me the privilege to be an asshole and ignorant/dismissive of what others went through.

i wanted to fit in, i was afraid of not being “one of the boys”, so i made jokes at the expense of women in middle school. i’m not proud of it, i do carry shame for it, but i also know i have grown so much now and am not defined by a failure if i have worked to overcome it.

in fact, i’m really excited if i ever have a son to raise him with much better consideration and care for anyone with an identity or life experience different than his! that’s the beauty of shedding the cringe: it lets you see what you really need to change and what doesn’t matter at all.

(send in your questions to [email protected] and maybe your question will be the star of the next newsletter!)

this week’s song is "you don’t know what you’ve done” by figure eight, an incredible band from long island, new york.

when you log off today, do something that scares you a little. i’m stressing “a little” here because i’m not saying quit your job and sell your belongings to become a digital nomad or whatever people in austin are doing these days. but like if you like photography, take a photo and post it! maybe that’s a bad example but whatever, i don’t care if you think it’s bad because this is MY newsletter and that’s the example i felt like using.

see how easy that is to just own how you strut? get out there. peacock a little.

if you don’t want to send in a question for deep dish with nish but still have thoughts, comments, concerns for my mental well-being after seeing this existential spiral caught on keyboard, talk to me! i love mail, even when it’s ‘e’.

liked what you read? tell someone about it! that beats me vageuposting into the void trying to fight an algorithm! 🤖

as always though, thanks for being here. 🙏

is this little bit not enough?

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